Five Scenes They Should’ve Added To The Hobbit Trilogy
With Battle of Five Armies having hit theaters in early december, the Hobbit trilogy is officially over. The series has done well money-wise, but fans and critics alike have had very split opinions on it. One controversial element has undoudbtedly been the fact that Peter Jackson and pals chose to split Tolkien’s book into three films because come on, how could you possibly adapt a story that’s under 300 pages into anything less than three movies that are over two hours long each?
This decision led to the addition of a whole lot of new scenes and even characters, especially in Battle of Five Armies which is practically fanfiction with an official stamp on it. The massive amount of physical energy generated by Tolkien violently spinning in his grave could probably single-handedly power every theater showing the film.
There were, however, some things we didn’t get to see. Here’s a few things that should have been added to the movies, because why have your movies be over two hours long when they could be over three hours long?
Gandalf and Radagast go to White Castle
This one makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Gandalf has a history of faffing about while the main plot happens somewhere else, and both him and Radagast (especially Radagast) seem very stoner-y – which is saying a lot when they’re up against hobbits – whatwith their constant pipe-smoking, mumbled nonsense and animal-talking. Considering how much side-stuff they do throughout the trilogy it wouldn’t be surprising. Plus, getting drive-through while on a sled pulled by large rabbits must be a sight to behold.
Thranduil doing Legolas’ hair
When it comes to fabulous hair you can’t beat the elves, and no elf has hair as fabulous as that of their ruler Thranduil. His son Legolas is a close second though, maintaining gorgeous, flowing locks through thick and thin over the span of six entire films. Since the fellowship spent most of their time on the move and out in nature, it’s safe to assume that Legolas does his own hair, and who else would teach the prince but the king himself? A lot of quality time was probably spent taking care of split ends, practicing the best ways to comb and gossiping about dwarves and it is a TRAVESTY that we did not get to see it.
Thranduil VS Thorin rap battle
The scene in Desolation of Smaug where Thorin and Thranduil bickered at each other in Thranduil’s throne room was pretty good, but picture this instead:
Two rulers facing off, the king beneath the mountain against the king of the forest. Their argument gets increasingly more heated. Suddenly, Thorin pulls out a microphone out of his coat, Thranduil does the same, and Middle-Earth’s first rap battle takes place. Sick disses of respective family members and shortcomings ensue, with Thorin at one point telling Thranduil that he’s the King Beneath Your Mother.
It’s just what the movie needs to appeal to hip and/or happening rap-loving youngsters!
Yet another romance subplot
Middle-Earth is kind of a sausage fest, so when it came to filming The Hobbit the crew decided to add a completely new character, the badass ass-kicking elf girl Tauriel! Yay, feminism!
Then they decided to use her mainly as Kili’s love interest. Yay, feminism…?
But why should the lovin’ stop there? Why’s Kili the only one getting some action (okay and also maybe Bilbo and Thorin had something going on because Martin Freeman can’t escape the gay shipping and it really kinda seemed like it in Battle of Five Armies you guys)?
Perhaps Thorin and Bard could bond over their excellent hair and shared experiences with having to live up to their ancestors? Or maybe the mayor of Laketown, played by the sexy beast that is Stephen Fry, realize his true feelings for Smaug, leading to a triangle drama involving the two of them and Beorn? Balin and Gandalf, you know that’s a match just on cool beards alone.
The dwarves taking care of their finances
Smaug was holding on to a whole lot of treasure when he bit the dust, and thinking about how badly all that gold must mess up Middle-Earth’s economy opens up a whole other can of worms.
The company of dwarves had a contract that they made Bilbo sign, but what were the exact specifications of this contract? Will the dwarves get accountants to make sure all the gold is properly divided and accounted for? Do they have a stable 401k? Is Bombur a financially responsible individual?
I don’t know about you, dear readers, but these are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night, whimpering in fear and cowering in whatever corner will allow me refuge from the yawning abyss of uncertainty stained with the shrieks and broken dreams of the fallen.
Okay, it doesn’t bother me that much, but it’s up there!