For the past year I have lived with someone who emotionally abused me. He would cut me deep with my own trauma and insecurities. Bringing up things so he could make me feel small. I was constantly told how worthless I was. That I did not know my place in life and needed to be put in my place. I was constantly in fear for when their violent outbursts would lead to physical abuse. When I decided to leave, he gaslit me till the very end. It’s not me moving out but rather “you are being kicked out”. And moving itself was something he needed to control and make absolutely difficult for me. I could move on the day he picked and given 3 hours to pack and move. Locking all the doors to the other rooms of the house. Making it impossible to get anything from those rooms that belonged to me. Including my laptop.
Leading up to the actual move, I was ridden with so much anxiety that I barely ate or slept. I was also nervous that he would be there and the unknown variables of that. My chest felt like something was stuck and constantly having the need to throw up. I am absolutely grateful that my friends showed up without me having to ask and made sure I did not have to do this alone. They busted their asses with me and we got everything done in the time frame, not giving him an inch to hold over me.
Now that I am out, blocked him on every platform, and physically safe— I finally feel like I can breathe. That feeling like something was stuck is gone, no more dry heaving, and somewhat of an appetite again.
I made excuses for the violent outbursts and the way he spoke to me for the sake of peace keeping. It wasn’t till I started to believe the words he spoke to me that I knew it was no longer okay. It was never okay but i was done protecting this person. It wasn’t always bad but I don’t remember the good memories anymore. I only see him getting in my face and physically threatening me with his stature and subtle threats of a fist in my face.
I feel relieved. And also excited. I have so much to live for and ahead of me. Outwardly to the world, I would come off as independent, “strong”, and empowered. Secretly I was succumbing to my living situation and lost much of my self. Taking these first steps make me feel empowered that I found the strength to leave. I never thought I’d be in this position but I get to forge ahead with my head up high.
I just needed to say these things out loud and leave it at it’s resting place. So selfishly I am leaving this here. And if you’re in a position where you are being emotionally/physically abused, I hope you’ll take some of my strength to leave and do what is best for you. There is relief in taking back your power.