Welcoming a baby into this world is beautiful and at the same time taxing. For new moms and dads it takes a little while to adjust to the new routine. However, in this story a couple has an argument about sharing baby duties. Read the story and please help them find a solution.
I know the title sounds bad, but I’m finding myself in a very difficult situation and I’m genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong here. I 27M am a surgical resident, my partner 27F was a teacher, but is currently a stay at home mother to our newborn child. We met in college and have been together for just over 7 years now. Last year she took a pregnancy test after missing her period and found out she was pregnant. We were both happy, but also concerned about taking care of a child. My main concern when we found out was that I could not help out with the child because I work 80-100 hours a week.
However, we both love each other and did want a family, so in the end we decided to keep the child and that she would take time off of work while I was completing my residency and take care of the kid. I would complete my residency and then, after having somewhat more humane hours would obviously split child caring duties equally with her so that she can also return to work.
It’s been 3 months since our kid was born now and things have been rough to say the least. I’m still working nearly 100 hours a week and am constantly at the brink of exhaustion, if anything my workload has increased since then, as I am now learning how to perform larger operations. My sleep is almost non-existent and I’m constantly under intense pressure due to my work environment. Things have obviously been rough for her, too. The pregnancy and delivery were without complication, but it goes without saying that it was still hugely taxing on her mentally and physically.
Recently, my partner has been asking me to take care of our kid when I get home. Initially I helped her without hesitation, feeling like it was within my capacity and wanting to support her, but in the past few weeks she’s been asking more and more of me and a few days ago she demanded I take care of our kid immediately as I walked into the door. I hadn’t even had time to take off my shoes yet and when I said ‘just give me a second’ she told me to ‘hurry the #$%k up.’
I later learned that she had an incredibly rough day and was just at capacity, but in the moment I was so caught off guard I yelled at her to back the @#$k off. I was too exhausted to deal with it then so I locked myself in the bathroom to take a long shower and calm down. We later talked about what had happened and apologised to each other, but during it she essentially told me that she felt like I wasn’t doing enough to take care of the kid and that it was our responsibility equally. I told her that I felt like I was already doing more than we agreed on and that I can literally not do any more than what I am currently doing. After talking and arguing about this for about 2 hours we still couldn’t come to an agreement and decided to leave the topic for now.
So am I the JERK for not wanting to take on a larger parenting role during residency? Friends I’ve talked to seem split on the matter. So, I’m in the middle of a shitstorm and need some advice on if I’m wrong.
What do you think about this situation? Here are a few comments on the story where it was originally posted: