“I Was Intoxicated To The Point Where I Woke Up With A Large Man On Top Of Me. A Man That Should Not Have Been On Me.”

Story by Haley Loveridge

“‘I refuse to be an alcoholic.’ ‘I drink to help my anxiety.’ ‘I do not have a drinking problem, I have an anxiety problem.’

Hi, my name is Haley and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is December 24, 2018. That day was the day I stopped running, and the day I embraced what a freeing experience I was about to feel.

When thinking of my story and how I got where I am now, it is hard to pinpoint exactly where it all started. I had a normal childhood and never went without. I was involved in school, sports, and was a people person. I always felt as though I was special, and I had this unique feeling I was meant to run the world. I now know I was experiencing ‘entitlement,’ and that’s what ultimately got me.

At age 14, I took my first drink early in the morning around my parents’ kitchen table, dancing and singing with my girlfriends. I had arrived.

From that point on, school became a place to socialize, nothing more. Somehow, I managed to maintain a steady GPA. However, my drive I had once had simply left and the only thing that motivated me was being the center of attention and men. There is a man in every one of my stories. I became the biggest manipulator I knew, doing whatever I needed to feel satisfied.

Fast forward to the end of high school and going off to college. I started off at a community college and then later transferred to a four-year school. During my community college days, I started hanging out with older kids and my drinking progressed. I went to a party up the street and drank to the point of blacking out, which became normal for me. During the blackout, I somehow made it home, brought a guy with me, and my body became an object. I remember my mom coming down and demanding the guy leave, and as it was happening, the house was getting robbed. I woke up and played the victim. I felt sick and went to work as a lifeguard, while my family was left to deal with the mess.

I blamed everyone for my misery and kept doing the one thing that brought me relief and ‘happiness,’ which was partying and men. I moved up to school and wanted the college experience. I was broke within a few months of paying rent and partying on the weekends. The weekend turned into Tuesday nights, which lead to Thirsty Thursdays, and then I found myself curing my hangover with alcohol.

Drink, pass out, wake up, find out what I did, beg for forgiveness, search for alcohol. That became the pattern and I could not go anywhere without putting alcohol in me. I hated my life, and alcohol allowed me to transform who I was and be anyone I wanted to be for that period of intoxication. However, when I would come to from a blackout, I would have to face the torment I had caused. I was a coward and unable to do that so I just drank.

I met another guy during all of this and thought he was my cure. I was going to take back control and become a girlfriend, fiancée, wife, and mom. Well, all but one of those happened and I did become a girlfriend, mom, fiancée, and almost a wife.

I had a beautiful baby girl and still, this did not stop me. At this point in my life, I had gone dry for some periods of time and tried to manage my drinking. Every time I did this, I failed.

I wanted this idea of a ‘perfect family’ so badly. In the process, I had entered people’s lives like a tornado and caused chaos to everyone in my path. I was selfish. When I drank, I became an ugly and destructive character.

A night that haunts me to this day is one that changed the dynamics of a family. I had gotten up at 5 a.m. to go to work, then school, then home to care for my baby. Accompanying me was a drink, at all times. I was intoxicated to the point where I woke up with a large man on top of me. A man that should not have been on me. I left the room, grabbed my baby, and locked myself in my room. I then proceeded to get help from my parents and was in the hospital yet again.

‘Had I been assaulted, or was it my fault?’

The insanity of the next event is truly chaotic, but at the time, it was the sanest answer to everything. I moved across states to, yet once again, run. I still had the same problems, yet was not ready to surrender. I still had a few go-arounds in me that would get me to where I am now. Moving states, as I said, was not the magical answer and did not cure the situation. My drinking continued and got to the point where I was without a car, broke, and taking out secured credit cards so I could somehow find alcohol to manage the days where I was home alone, being a mom.

Those words are haunting. I thought I was being a mom. Yeah, I was physically taking care of my baby and bathing, feeding, and caring for her. But did I really care? My whole thought process was how to escape the torment going on in my head. I wanted to die.

At this point, I somehow still had my parents’ help and they brought me in once again. They had my baby and I came to be with them. I got a job, which happened to be at a recovery center and within the first 5 months, I was able to admit I was an alcoholic.

The day I surrendered was the day my life changed, the day I started loving myself again. The day I became the best version of me that I could be. I was able to love in a healthy way and be the best mom, daughter, friend, and girlfriend I could be.

Today I am a college graduate with my bachelor’s in psychology. I am working with others and helping those become the best versions of themselves. I am comfortable in my own skin and I am at peace with my mind. My mindset is to persevere and continue to grow as a woman, mom and one day even a wife. I am hopeful and absolutely content with who I am today.

One of the greatest things about recovering is the friends you make. I have met the most amazing women and had the privilege of starting a blog with two incredible boss babes that I call my besties: Hopeshot_Moms.

I have a past, yes, which does not define me. It only makes me stronger and is the reason for where I am today. I am a hope shot mom.”

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