I’ve been feeling like crap lately. My little brother moved out and my apartment has been feeling very lonely ever since. Between blaming my self for him leaving and working my self to pay for this apartment alone until my roommate comes, I’ve been crying my eyes out.
I’ve never lived alone, let alone lived without family. Plus I’m questioning my relationship because I only see my boyfriend once a week and its always the same thing; go to his place, sleep until noon, watch him play video games or YouTube, get food, have 5-minute sex and go home the next morning.
Today he asked me to leave early because he was tired (he’s always tired, i’m worried about him). So left and cried on the ride home. He texted me about how sorry he was and ignored it because I blamed myself, I must be doing something wrong if he doesn’t want me around. Then I though about how my friends don’t ever text me and how my brothers never text or come around anymore. So I went into my bathroom and started crying very loudly.
I was telling myself how much I hated my self in the mirror and how no one would care if i died so i might as well just do it. I cried myself to sleep on my bathroom floor until I heard a very loud knock on my door. It was the police and my neighbor from the apartment next door. They said they were very concerned about the language I was using toward myself. An ems person checked my arms and made sure I wasn’t harming myself. I sat in my living room with the cops ems and my neighbor and said I just feel alone, I don’t feel cared about, I feel like I don’t exist to anyone in my life, so hypothetically, what would change if I died. I am not suicidal. In fact I’m scared of death, I want to live but I want a better life. I want more for myself but I feel so stuck.
My neighbor whom I had never met, hugged me and told me, she’s one door away if I ever needed a friend. The cops gave me their cards and told me, I could always call if I needed someone. In that moment I realized someone does care and is going to care, its up to me to reach out. I have control over my life and how I want to live it. I am the curator of my own reality and I’m going to be okay.