“Today Was The First Day In My 8 Years Of Parenting That I Felt Defeated.”

Story by Suka Nasrallah

Today was the first day in my 8 years of parenting that I felt defeated.

I’m sitting here writing this and thinking to myself ‘how am I going to end this piece with some helpful information after saying how I struggled?’

How will I give my readers the spark of hope at the end? Until I realized, I can’t.

I came here to write how today I feel defeated by motherhood. I feel defeated by my 8-year-old. I feel helpless and clueless and I don’t know that I can say “it will all be ok”. Because I simply don’t know.

I got a call from my kids’ camp because my son was having some trouble listening, and when I went to pick him up, as the teacher was explaining the situation to me, I couldn’t contain my tears.

I stood there apologizing for my son’s behaviour, for myself being uncollected, for my inability to explain why he is acting the way he is.

And I drove home without saying a single word to him. I Just drove in silence while the hot tears streamed down my cheeks. Not a clue as to what I was supposed to do next.

I found myself longing for the sleepless nights when my children were still babies because at that time the solution was so much more attainable. It was easy. It was physically exhausting, but mentally I was much more at ease. And I started wondering about the long road ahead of me because I know this is just the beginning.

I found myself spiralling in circles of self-doubt and confusion as I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I felt like a failure.

Sitting here writing this, I cant tell you that I found a solution, or that I solved the problem or that I even feel better. All I can say is that I’m trying so hard, I’m trying with every bone in my body to raise my children to be exceptional human beings, and some days, when I’m feeling defeated like today, I just sit here and pour my heart out, I sit here and tell myself ill try again, ill try harder. I won’t give up.

Even though I may not have the answers or the solutions, I know that I am dedicated and trying, and that’s something, right? It’s just so hard sometimes, and it gets to you. 

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