Story by Laura Mazza
Did you think you’d be married forever? I did.
I remember I cried walking down the aisle when I saw his face looking at mine. I remember going on dates and walking up to him and seeing him and we were both smiling at each other. I remember him saying that was the best part of seeing me. My smile. I remember him telling me I was beautiful and not just in the way I looked, but on the inside.
But people change. They do. They evolve. I’m not the same girl I was 9 years ago. I became different. So different. We both evolved in ways that our relationship couldn’t keep up with And although we tried so hard, we couldn’t save it.
It hurts. I’ve never felt a pain so bad in my chest before. I know my heart can’t physically break but I can tell you, it did the day it was over. So i stare at myself in the mirror and I ask myself, what now? Who am I now?
A single mum with three kids, who is trying to navigate a heartbreak. With no savings to her name. No life goals or plans anymore. No spark left inside of her. No motivation.
Every day I ask myself, is it a day to grieve or is it a day to kick ass? And instead I sit somewhere in the middle of procrastinating in both. We said forever, but forever is a long time to not grow together. And I watch him and he’s a great dad and he will always be my best friend, but he won’t always be my lover. Not anymore. And that hurts.
I don’t know if I have any answers for you, if you’re going through the same thing. I know there’s no right way to feel. I know some days it’ll be a kick in the guts looking at old photos and I know some days it’ll be singing destiny’s child survivor on loud while dancing in your underwear.
But what I do know for certain is this, if I could go back to that girl walking down the aisle, crying as she looked at the love of her life, thinking this was forever, I wouldn’t whisper in her ear to not do it. Because 9 years together taught her more than she could ever learn, and brought her three beautiful children. Because 9 years taught her so much about herself.
I would, though, whisper in her ear, “you can get through anything life throws at you.” And I will and I can. It’s just going to take a little time. And a lot of hurt, but I will get through it.
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