Woman Wants to Know if She’s Wrong for Telling Her Surrogate to Stop Acting Like Her Husband’s Wife.
The emotions and sentiments that people experience upon choosing to become surrogate parents are beyond my comprehension. This anecdote illustrates how things might become a little strange in certain circumstances. Read this story and let us know how you would handle the situation.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We wanted kids but because of my health problems this wasn’t possible. We decided to go with surrogacy, my friend nominated her sister (Brittany 29) I agreed right away cause I know Brittany and the family. We’ve set everything up. Discussed payment, short and long term plans, counseling and dr appointments. We explored IVF and chose a private clinic to get it done.
It started after Brittany took a pregnancy test. She only told my husband though she had both our numbers. she only sent my husband a pic of the test while he was at work and sent me nothing when I gave her my personal contact info but it was okay. Things got complicated when Brittany started having access to our credit cards for her own wants and claimed they were the baby’s needs. She excluded me from dr visits and scans and had only my husband go with her. Her excuse was that my husband drives and has time since I work and is “unavailable” most of the time. I felt isolated from this experience but said nothing knowing she’s bearing a lot of burden so I had patience. My husband had no idea what was going on and if this was normal. This was new to us so we didn’t know.
She’s 7 months in and last week she had us visit to discuss things that I thought we’d previously agreed on but she said she changed her mind about and her mom was there too. I heard Brittany out and was shocked when she gave a list of how things should be from now on since she said “there was a lot of confusion” in the past because of me stressing her out by complaining. She requested she get a say in things like baby names after I “deleted” the list of names she sent to my husband. She wanted more access to my husband’s credit cards/free time to get stuff done at her place. Also more time with the baby than agreed on. Then wrapped up by saying only my husband should be with her in the delivery room and used the hospital as an excuse. I got up and firmly stated I didn’t agree on her new terms and that she had to stop acting like she was my husband’s wife and this was their baby. My husband didn’t speak till she started crying. He asked me to sit down but I said I had boundaries, reminded her what her role was and how she overstepped.
Her mom went off and said her daughter was being mistreated when she put herself mentally and physically through the most selfless act for us, to make us a family. She gave up a part of her life in those months to give us what we want and I was acting selfish and ungrateful. She had us leave then told my friend and it got more complicated. I was told to apologize for what I said.
What are your opinions? Did I go too far here?
Edit: yes, we agreed on paying for the surrogacy like I stated above. So no favors or anything.
Edit: No, we did not have a legal contract because my friend said there was no need for us to do that and basically talked us out of it since we are considered family but we had an agreement including paying her.
Edit: Question about whether Brittany had kids of her own. She was a single mom of a 4 year old who passed away from an accident. She had him at young age but she always seemed in good mental and physical health.
Here are a few comments on the story where it was originally posted: